Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
