At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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