Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
