I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
