Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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