everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
