The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
