It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
