I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
