Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
