i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
