Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
