How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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