i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
