when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
