No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He passed out mid-signature
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
