I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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