Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've blown a few things in my day
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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