birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
