Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
