My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize