fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
True strength comes from lack of pants
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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