yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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