I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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