happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
