why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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