Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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