I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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