Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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