I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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