We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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