We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
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Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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