If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
