I love black thongs
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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