I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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