I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
