I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
