I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize