well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Enjoy the penises
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
