If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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