In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
