I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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