Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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