i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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