i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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