my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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