I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
