The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
