my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize