So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
