I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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