Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
