I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
