so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
