don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
