Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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